About twelve years ago, when all the classes were done and all that was left was to wait to do the exams, my English teachers invited their class to have a quasi-celebration at one of their homes. Memory is playing tricks on me, because I remember it as one of those idealised summer days in a garden where everyone seems happy - which doesn't seem likely considering it was a party filled with late-teenagers - but, if I let it, I could look on it as one of those quasi-defining moments that you remember for a while. And yes, that's two uses of 'quasi' in a single paragraph. Three, now. Perhaps this validates the whole "English" student thing.
There is a point to this, though. Once the party was done, basically all that was going to happen was that people would drift away like dandelion seeds - oh, sure, there were three or four exams to go, yet, and there'd be the odd social occasion - but, basically, that was it as far as 'high school' went.
As covered before, I like the idea of parallel universes and alternate realities. If, therefore, it's a given that all realities exist somewhere, there's a world where there's a means of communicating with your younger self without completely fucking causality. Perhaps it involves artificial forgetfulness, i.e. you can talk to yourself but not remember it, although that sounds like a tearjerker plot - the older can tell the younger everything, and have it not change anything. Maybe, maybe not.
But I like to think that in Reality #216,449 - i.e. where cross-temporal communication takes place - my life wouldn't be that different, except that after the 'party' finished, and I headed home, I might have bumped into someone who looked a little like me, just older and
Older: Hey.
Younger: Hello. Who are you?
Older: Well, I'm you. Sorry if it's not what you expected.
Younger: What was I supposed to expect?
Older: I seem to remember wanting a future with hand-made suits and such.
Younger: Oh, well, maybe. It was just a thought. What's up?
Older: Well, they've just invented this whole cross-temporal communication thing, so I thought'd I'd drop in and, well, catch up. I'm calling you from something like twelve years in the future. Thought that might intrigue you.
Younger: Kind of, except that all the science fiction I've read tells me this is a bad idea.
Older: Look on the bright side - you won't remember this. Causality is still important.
Younger: So you've gone to all this effort just to have a conversation that I won't remember?
Older: Yes.
Younger: So it's just the me now that won't remember it?
Older: What do you mean?
Younger: Well, if you're having this conversation now for you, and I won't remember it now, surely you'll remember it in your now? If you don't remember it, why would you do it?
Older: I'm with you. I'm not sure how it works exactly, but it's a selective memory block - when we're done, I'll remember here and now but not there and then. Does that make sense?
Younger: As much as any of this does. So what can I do for you?
Older: Well, to be honest, I just fancied a chat.
Younger: You risked violating causality for a chat?
Older: Kind of. It's just... You won't understand this until you're my age, but right now you have a lot of possibilities--
Younger: Oh no, please. Not the "world is at your feet" speech.
Older: Not at all. Besides, even if I did, you wouldn't remember it. But you have an interesting and occasionally difficult time ahead of you. So for you this is just an unremembered interlude. For me, I guess, it's kind of therapy.
Younger: What do you mean?
Older: Well, things won't turn out exactly as you might have liked. You'll do okay in your exam results - not great, not as well as you could, but you'll squeak by and get a place at a decent university - just.
Younger: Why only 'just'?
Older: You remember that place you applied to twice?
Younger: Yeah.
Older: Well, your main results won't be quite good enough to get in, but the thing you did on the side will swing it in the second case. You'll end up being one of only six people on a kind of hybrid course.
Younger: That sounds good.
Older: Yes and no. You'll 'get' half of the course, and not the other half. Then in the second year you'll transfer to another hybrid course, but again you'll only 'get' half of the course. Meanwhile, all sorts of shit will be going on in your personal life. You'll be juggling money problems, academic problems, personal problems, relationship problems, and you'll still be addicted to video games.
Younger: ... Huh.
Older: There are good moments, too, but they end up overshadowed by the issues that you won't know how to solve. That's how you learn how to solve them - the whole 'learning through your mistakes' part is pretty important. And that's just the first two or so years.
Younger: Do things get better after that?
Older: Yes and no. Your money issues don't go away until you get a decent job. You sort out the academic problems yourself - I'm proud of you for that. You get a handle on the personal problems, but as for the relationship problems... They go away, but kind of leave you soured on the whole thing. But that's something you can work on when you get to be me. I hope.
Younger: And the video games?
Older: Well, Diablo II sucks up a lot of your time. That and Crazy Taxi, Final Fantasy X, and even Burnout II. You'll get into them in a big way, then slowly stop worrying about them. Enjoy it while it lasts. Oh, and you won't get to play Portal until something like three years after it's released, but look forward to that one. But anyway... It takes you having a 'voluntary sabbatical year' to get your academic and money issues on track. In that year, some appalling, disturbing worldwide events take place. I'd like to say things calm down, but they kind of.. haven't, yet.
Younger: What sort of events?
Older: You probably wouldn't believe me if I told you. You go back after your year out, and finish your degree. The result isn't what you'd hoped for, but it's the best you could get with the issues you experienced. Then you move back home, pay off your student overdrafts in good time - and then...
Younger: Then?
Older: It's kind of boring. You get a job to pay off the overdrafts, and then you stay on because it keeps you in DVDs and such. Your ambition kind of drifts away, but your love of film - which you'll pick up a little before you leave uni - starts to grow. You make a couple of attempts at filmmaking, but nothing comes of them. Then you get made redundant, and...
Younger: And?
Older: Look, it's complicated. On one hand, you're still living at home, and mooching off your parents. On the other hand, you go back to university with a proper, actual passion for what you're doing, instead of going because you thought you should go. So you get to do something you love, and all it costs is... A little dignity, I guess. Your parents believe that you're passionate about what you do, and you are, for the first two years or so. And that's where I am now.
Younger: What happened after the first two years?
Older: I don't know. It feels like a kind of burnout. You'll still love film - and, finally, you'll get around to watching The Sopranos and Alias - but the work will leave you with good results and no motivation. So I wanted to come back and have a chat with you now, before life unfolds, just to see what I was like back then.
Younger: But surely you remember?
Older: Memory isn't that reliable. As part of the package of issues you go through in a couple of years, you end up taking anti-depressants, which have a listed side-effect of 'memory loss', and you'll want to blame them. But the truth is that your short-term memory is amazingly shit. I can remember things now from when I was you, but the last couple of years are still assimilating themselves. It's just the way things go - you'll learn about neuroplasticity, believe it or not.
Younger: So let me get this straight. I have three years of difficulty ahead of me, then one year of amazing, followed by six years of boring and two years of amazing again before I... 'burn out'?
Older: Something like that. I wish I could give you specifics - but it wouldn't help. There are amazing things - you remember the sushi you had in America over this summer? Seriously, that's everywhere by now. And you'll travel more - America again a few times, a bad time in Eastern Europe, and some amazing times In Bruges and in Greece. Seriously? Filled vine leaves. 'Dolmades'. Amazing. You have some fun ahead of you, and some difficulties.
Younger: So what's going on with you, other than risking the nature of causality to have a casual chat with your younger self in the hope of feeling less crappy?
Older: Well, film school is amazing, even as a mature student. Oh, sure, sometimes I want to tell people your age how life should work, but I try to hold myself back, because I kind of remember what it was like being you, then... now... then... whatever. I've made a few little projects, and I love my classes, although unfortunately I don't have--
Younger: A crazy teacher who wears dark glasses?
Older: I'm so glad dad kept playing that song. Look, here's the thing. Everybody can give you advice, but nobody can tell you how to live. So - preachy moment here - it's up to you to work it out for yourself. And you kind of don't, because I'm proof of that. But you kind of do, too - you find something you love, and you stick at it, even when it feels difficult. And the boring job isn't that bad. If only I could tell you now to pay off your student loan, though. But you wouldn't, because I didn't.
Younger: So what's your advice, then? I mean, I know I won't remember it, but...
Older: Don't worry so much. You have people who love you and who you can ask for help, even though you won't because you think it's a sign of weakness. Nothing's so bad it can't be fixed, and it does get fixed. Don't bother with minidisc players or early mp3 players. Exercise more, or at all. And --
Younger: You're about to say something about friends, aren't you?
Older: Annoyingly, I do remember being this precocious. But... You'll have a few relationships with women, and some of them will be difficult, and some of them you'll miss. Such is life. As for friends - I can count on one hand the genuine, lovely people I would sacrifice anything for. The others come and go. You have to learn how to feel the ebb and flow, because you'll end up cutting a couple of them out of your life when you could probably have just waited for them to fizzle out. Again, such is life.
Younger: Okay...
Older: Got any advice for me?
Younger: You're kidding, right?
Older: Not really. I'm serious about the burnout. I'm a little lost at the moment.
Younger: Well... First, find something to distract yourself for a while. Then go back to doing something you love. But you're me, you're supposed to know how to look after yourself and sort yourself out by now. You're supposed to be a responsible adult!
Older: Doesn't quite work like that, kid.
Younger: Oh.
Older: Anyway, thanks for the chat. Just... take care of yourself, okay? And enjoy all the trade paperbacks while you can afford them...
Younger: Wait! So I won't remember any of this?
Older: Well... Maybe if I get bored and decide to continue this exercise in self-conversation. Maybe you'll only remember the previous conversations if and when the next one starts, otherwise having to bring you up to date would get really annoying.
Younger: Um... Great?
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