Look at my hopes, look at my dreams, the currency we spend

I'm having one of those weird moments where I've just spent money on something I shouldn't have, except that I feel a complete lack of buyers remorse. 

Not to harp on about it, but right now I'm broke as fuck, so it's lucky for me and my three readers that words are, technically, free. But this thing I decided to buy was

(A) Unique
(B) Part of a set I have one of already
(C) Not exactly expensive by normal standards
(D) Cool. 

The problem, really, is that I'm in a kind of weird situation at the moment with regard to money. Where I'm nominally 'employed' doesn't pay me, and no matter how much I try asking nicely, sweetly and politely, they keep dodging the question and throwing me back. 

At the same time, to find paid work that chimes with what I'm doing at the moment - and I should really talk about that more later, and would but for the fear that they might actually have the nous to read this blog, connected as it is with my youtube channel, and connected as that is with what I'm doing now, so, hi!, I guess - seems to be almost completely impossible. 

It needs to be part time, and pay okay, and be relatively understanding about the odd demands of my time that pop up here and there at the moment. 

And there simply seems to be sweet fuckall out there at the moment. 

Which means I'm eating into dwindling savings that will soon be gone, and I should really not be buying things online. 

And so we're back to the beginning of this article. 

Honestly? 

I give up. 

Can't get work means can't earn money, which means not being able to do... anything. At the same time it means mooching off of my family, which basically takes any kind of self-respect and throws it far, far out the window. 

And yet... There's this nagging voice at the back of my head that says stop complaining and the test of your character is what you do with what you have, and, well, it's right. 

I just get frustrated when people say "Oh, you need to get some bar work / administration work / clerical work" as if it's the easiest thing in the motherfucking world. Let's not forget, too, that because I'm doing what I'm doing I'm apparently not entitled to any benefits of any sort (other than the most tangential ones which, to be fair, I really appreciate like you wouldn't believe). 

This is all just idle, itinerant complaining, complements, frankly, of the season. There's a hell of a lot I need to be getting on with that doesn't cost money in particular other than the coin of the soul and, so, I guess... 

... Time to get on with things.